Wednesday, April 23, 2014


Time to get up!

Yes Mom!

Yep, first day of Kindergarten! Uniform pressed, shoes tied, hair fixed, book bag ready, lunch box filled with love.

Walking my daughter through the school hall was bittersweet. The sweet scent of freshly sharpened pencil, crisp writing paper, and fruity erasers reminded me of my early years in school. Now, it's her turn to take part in one of so many milestones while we held  hands towards her classroom.

The separation anxiety was killing me while I watched her frolicked happily through the hallway, smiling at me with her big brown eyes full of excitement. We got to the classroom, and she looked at me and said "See you later Mom".

As a stay at home Mom, letting go of her for the first day of kindergarten was hard. Mixed emotions to the gazzillion got me all twisted up inside and out! The litany of "what if's" started running through my crazy head. I can't wait till dismissal time so I can go pick her up and be with her again.

We can come home and have a snack, play outside, and watch her ride her bike. On some occassions, we would have our very own lemonade stand and watch her enjoy the fact that she sold a glass of lemonade to the mail lady!

Those were the days.

She's now 17 years old! And guess what... she finally got her very own driver's license! She is now ready to go out there and conquer the road all by herself. The same separation anxiety is overtaking me and I am freaking out more than ever before.

She's not riding a bike anymore. where I can see her pedal along the neighborhood. She is now driving a car with everyone else out there and there is no way I can watch her push that gas pedal!

There were times during her school years when I wished she could drive herself to school. Cause really, I just did not want to get out of bed that early! Or maybe drive herself to  flute lessons, band practice and school functions. Because I was tired.

"Be careful what you ask for" is all I can think of now. Yet, I know this is part of growing up not only for her, but also for me as a parent.

Ahhh....growing up is hard to do. But we all have to learn, right?

What was surprising to learn was when one day she said, "Mom, I'm really enjoying this independence. But, I miss you and Dad while I'm driving. The human interaction is not there."

I was taken a back when she said that. I dunno. Maybe because I thought she was ready to get away form us. You know what I mean. The typical teen ager, wanting to explore and be by themselves.

But, I guess, I forgot to take into account that teen agers are also individuals capable of recognizing true basic instincts. That we are all bonded to one another, one way or the other.

I can only remember a lecture in my OB class in nursing school. The subject of maternal-infant bonding. The close emotional tie that develops between mother and baby at birth. Bonding brings mothers and newborns back together.

You see, I felt guity for the longest time because our daughter was born 2 months premature. I had an emergency C-section. We were temporarily separated from each other after her birth. The "initial skin-to skin contact" was not there. It took 2 days after she was born before I can actually hold her.We had to play catch up.

Damn it! This is really hard.

Listening to this lecture brought me to tears because the only thing I can think of was maybe we did not bond well. We missed that opportunity.

Yet, again, my daughter made me realize during this "driving milestone period" that bonding did happen. This guilt I was carrying for all those years.....I'm finally released from. 

I'm in tears once again while writing this post because the only event running in my crazy head is that same first day of kindergarten. we are walking through the hallway, with her big brown eyes full of excitement, and she says, "See you later Mom".

Monday, April 14, 2014


best quote from finding nemo

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is how the cookie crumbles.

I have been cheating on you with a different audience!

I have another blog that I have been keeping up for the past three months.
I originally created the blog because I felt like I was not expressing myself freely in this blog.

I have this notion that as a nurse, I should write a certain way -  the clean way, the refined way, the right way. It is so true how nursing is a respectable and well trusted profession. There is no doubt about this. Nurses have to hold on to a certain standard only we nurses know and can relate to.

In doing so, I found myself wanting to rebel from the "norm". So, off I went and created my alter ego. And I tell you, I was having so much fun writing the more vulgar way. My evil twin talked about so many different things, nothing nurse related! The views were more to the left, lingo was different, and it felt liberating !

As liberating as this new experience have become, I also found it unsatisfying. Why so, you might ask.

As I was reading through my posts here in this blog, I cannot help but notice how I preached so much about being true to yourself, respecting everyone, loving who you are and finding your true self.  Well, guess what? I fell short of all these expectations!

I was not being true to myself.

I am not saying that the my views in this blog were all lies. That's not it. I failed to practice what I preached. I limited myself to what I thought was righteous as a nurse. Forgetting the fact that nurses are also human - with feelings of dismay, discouragement, just like everyone else.

Nurses do get angry. We curse and we move on. I just refused to acknowledge the disappointments of the profession and my true feelings as I dealt with them day after day. It's fucking frustrating. There...I said it.

With this said, I have decided to fuse the 2 blogs together. I'm coming clean and straight to the point. I will continue to stay true to my beliefs, be thoughtful and insightful, and shall voice my sentiments freely. Sugar coating will be limited!

I will periodically post articles that are not nursing related. After all, nurses do have lives outside work.These posts and writings from my other blog will be filed under "On those days I'm not a nurse".

I'm sure that this revelation might not be welcomed by some and hopefully embraced by many. I am only hoping that this new found endeavor will release me from all the freaking frustrations that I have. Thereby, can provide you with a different, yet, better, outlook and perspective on things.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


The season 4 finale of The Walking Dead demonstrated how savagery and survival became a strong partnership when faced with adversities in a zombie apocalyptic world.

Rick in an attempt to save Carl from a horrific rape act from a monster suddenly became barbaric as he turned into a "biter" in order to maneuver himself free from an ambush. Rick went right into the "jugular" to overcome the odds that were rather slim to none. He went on to continue with his rampage as he slaughtered the would be rapist to save his son Carl from more plundering.

Yet, one thing that I though was odd was how Carl acted towards his attacker. I understand that it would be traumatic and one's response would be to be totally helpless. But, Carl has been portrayed as a much stronger and will powered individual than what I saw during his attack.

I remembered when 3 zombies were stacked on top of him and he adroitly maneuvered his way out of what would have been a Carl Cuban Sandwich!

 I probably would have freaked out and say, "Fine, you win"!

As uncivilized as it might have looked and sounded based on what we saw on the finale, Rick's temporary primeval actions truly showed how he is adapting to the post zombie apocalyptic world. Charles Darwin's adaptation and survival theory was clearly written all over this scenario.

In the same manner, we also saw a tender and warm side of Rick as he claimed the spirit of brotherhood to his long lost friend Daryl.

The nurturing and compassionate trend continued on as we saw "prison" scenes with Herschel serving as a guide for the upcoming Terminus event. My blog post  The Walking Dead...According To Freud  identified  Herschel as  the "superego" component of the show. The superego is the aspect of personality that holds all of our internalized moral standards and ideals.

When Herschel said, "Ever since I gave Glenn my watch, I can't seem to keep track of time anymore", Rick''s attention focused right into the pocket watch that one of the Terminus' inhabitant's was wearing. This suddenly sparked the start of what would be a trap at Terminus.

We knew that there might be an entrapment involved when we saw Rick explaining to Carl how a rabbit trap works when they were walking in the woods. It all made sense when we saw the snipers at Terminus successfully guide the runners by carefully firing a pathway right where they wanted them and leading into the train bus.

But, did anyone hear of  people crying for help while Rick and the rest were running inside the compound ? The sound came for a brief moment but surely noticeable. I cannot help but think that one of the voices might have been of Beth.

Another possibility could be Carol or Tyrese even. But, I have to say that Carol would be a more watchful individual than that of Rick. I just can't picture her succumbing to enter Terminus right away. She will be the one to survey the area, plan accordingly, and evaluate the pros and cons for days.

I thought for a moment that Rick would do the same thing. I was surprised to see them enter Terminus from the back end and surprised the weirdos with their arrival after a quick appraisal of the region.

I cannot help but think of Rick as a squirrel or a rabbit hiding their food under ground while he buried his armory in a wooded area. It was so symbolic since they were surely treated like rodents when they were surrounded with gun fire stringing them along to the train bus.

Once inside the "container",  Rick, Archer, Samurai, and the kid heard Glenn's voice.. "You;re here" was all Rick can say as Maggie, Bob, Sasha, Tara, Abraham, Eugene and Rosita appeared from the opposite side of the bus. 

A sudden shift to the prison scene showed the gardener Rick instructing Carl how to properly use a shovel. Yet again another symbolic gesture was made when Rick placed Carl's hat onto Beth's blond haired head saying "There's a new sheriff in town". And together with Herschel uttering the words, "It should always be like this", the act served as a reminder for Rick that uh-huh, "They will feel very stupid when they find out, they're screwing with the wrong people"!

Oh yes, The Rickonator is back

With his new found canine choppers , I'm sure he wouldn't put this talent to waste. You could only imagine what he would be capable of trying to lead his conglomerate out of this flesh eating compound called Terminus.

Instead of Carl Cuban Sandwich, should I have said: free polls