Life has its way of teaching you a lot about yourself. The decisions you make can turn your existence meaningful or disconnected. But whichever direction you end up in, the drive to make it better lies again, in your hands.
I have worked in a hospital setting for 26 years. My personality has always been drawn to providing a helping hand to those who are in need. The decision to become a nurse became the next step as a second career, and it has been eight years since I attended the hard earned pinning ceremony.
I worked as a bedside
nurse for 4 years, moved to case management for 3 years, and 9 months ago, I
became a nurse care coordinator, working from home. The current job I'm in
right now was more of a long term goal that came a little too early. But I did it for the money.
And let me tell you, if you have to change your job or do
something only because of the money. DON'T. The increase in salary did blind my
decision, knowing that I don't like the nature of the job. I call it - nurse
telemarketing.
I was assigned patients who I need to reach out to and do
"care coordination" according to company guidelines. Most of the
people I call don't even know that the program exist. I have to make this long
spill about the "program" hoping that they will participate and let
me assist them in disease management. From there, I can coordinate their doctor's
visits by making sure that they have a follow up appointment after an ER visit,
make their next doctor's appointment if they missed the previous ones, refer to
a social worker for hardships with meds and transportation, educate about their
disease....and the list goes on.
It's not a bad job. But, it's not the right fit for me.
My problem was after a little while, I became isolated form
physical interactions with other people. I do get the phone interaction. As a
matter of fact, I have had great phone conversations with a few, Some of
them even made an impact in my life. But for the most part, reaching out to people
not knowing what I’m up against can be draining sometimes. People don't want to
be bothered!
Let's just put it this way.
I don't like getting calls from people I don't know, or a
sales call. What made me think that I would enjoy this job knowing that I will
be doing that thing that I don't like!
I did it for the money.
In addition, the idea of working from home and all its glory
added to the excitement of it all.
But all good things can come to an end.
The novelty of working in my pajamas 5 days a week became
old very quickly. I found myself with no drive to even shower sometimes. That's
ridiculous! You know you've been working from home too long when your husband
tells you, "Wow, it's nice to see you again dressed nice!” And mind you, I
was wearing jeans and t -shirt that time.
Another thing is I cannot separate work from personal life.
There's no distinction. My work office is the next room from our bedroom and
closing the office door is not doing the magic trick either. It's not even the
physical manifestation of the job that's affecting me. It's the fact that my
home life and work life exists in one place. I can't leave work at work. I
can't clock out, and leave the hell out of there. I. Live, With, My, Work.
So, what have I done about it?
I made the decision to give up this "dream job"
and go back to bedside nursing. I know, for some, you might be thinking that
this is the biggest mistake that I will ever do in my life. I don't know. I
don't have an answer for that. All I know is,,,. I'm not happy. I feel
disabled, disconnected, unfulfilled. I'm missing time with my husband now that
I'm doing five days a week. It's different. Work is always there and I cannot
enjoy time with my husband and daughter.
Some might say that my reasons don't even count because they
are so childish,,,, not spending enough time with husband? If it is, then let
it be. All I know is what's important for me. Time. I miss the days when we can
spend days together before we go back to work.
Working on the nursing floor can be physically and
emotionally draining. I know this. But at least, I know I'm alive and can still
do for others and in turn provide myself with the satisfaction of knowing that
I exist.
I would like to thank my husband of 19 years, for always
listening and supporting me with everything. I remembered him asking me one
night if I was Ok. I guess he can tell that something is bothering me. All I
did was start crying. Then he said, "I know you're not happy. Go back to
the floors. You always seem to be full of life when you worked on the
floors". The only thing I can say was, "We're going to lose a lot of
money". He said, "It's OK. We'll still work and bring home paychecks.
All I want is for you to be happy. We'll make it".
We always do.